LATE NIGHT ON THE INTERNET 

Same! 

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I just feel like I need this coin purse in my life. Getting change out at the grocery store would be a hoot!

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This is hands down the funniest thing I've read all year. High five, Ho Gotti!

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Yikes, man...

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This is my favorite meme response when there's nonsense afoot. #fuckery

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Aww, this makes me think of my fiance! How sweet!

...pssst... there's something going on over here...

 

Hey... yeah, you. Come over heeyah, kid. *nods you over.

 

How YOU doin'?

 

Yes... it's been a grip, ain't it? (There was so much intentionally wrong with that sentence it almost brings a tear to my eye.) I've still been running. Still salsa walking. Still sassy as ever. And, it history could have foretold, still as lazy as ever, because who's got two thumbs and hasn't gotten around to posting any #fatgirlrunning blogs lately? See above.

 

Oh, but don't get excited. I'm not posting one now, either. What I AM doing is letting you know that I'm still here, thinking of you fondly... not fondling... I don't know why I felt the need to clarify that. Except that I know some of you sickos. Anyway, where was I...

 

Ah yes! I, and the rest of us Chics haven't disappeared and haven't forgotten about you. We're just... ya know. Doin' what we do.

 

You know, like, stuff and shit.

 

I DID happen to come across something that made me... laugh, internally applaud and almost audibly curse in inanimate 'entity'.

 

See, what ha happened wuzz... I was checking out my youtube channel whilst looking for a fun teaser video to put up somewhere. You know, to tease. After you watch a video, youtube does this thing where instead of leaving a blank video space it likes to turn the video player into a collage of related videos (same author, 'if you like blank you may like blank' videos, that sorta thing?) Well, that was all well and good. Until I noticed the video in the bottom right hand corner. Zoom in on this. It's worthy.

What the FRUIT ROLL UPS, youtube? Why you gotta be a DICK? I mean, don't get me wrong, here. GREAT JOB, random girl posting videos of herself tryna work on her fitness. But dayum, YT. That's pretty harsh.

 

Oh well... maybe I should rename my jogging blog series.

 

~h

 

(p.s. shameless plug! my aspiring gamer/actor/singer/writer/designer son Caeden has his own youtube channel, and if you guys just randomly watched his videos he would be SO tickled to see the views go up.)

Mindless Mind-Numbing Uselessness

Have you ever played the game Smash Hit? It's a game you can get on iPhone or iPad. Basically you throw little metal balls at glass while trippy meditation music plays in the background. It's simultaneously the most rewarding feeling to smash glass and the most frustrating feeling because I always lose on Checkpoint 6. And I'm too cheap to pay $1.99 to have the luxury of saving my progress once I die. It seems like such a simple game concept, but the simple games are the ones I enjoy the most.

Any of you have a favorite phone/tablet game you like to play to kill time? I'm sure Candy Crush Saga owns most of your lives, but if there's any other ones you'd recommend, I'd love to know ;)

Vistaril...

...It's this pill they make me take so I don't have an emotional breakdown in the middle of a grocery store.

And I like it, kinda. It makes me sleepy. But also floaty, and I don't feel like going super saiyan on everyone who looks at me funny.

God damn these footie pajamas are soft.

~Nikki~

VACATION DAZE

My home for the week is my sister's apartment, a glorious two bedroom loft that feels more like a hotel room than someone's home. It's le chic as fuck! 

Anyway, as I sit typing, my niece is uncharacteristically quiet. She's usually zooming around the place like she's got a battery in her back - or a hybrid toddler, solar-powered. But she's munching on some quinoa for dinner, while I drink glass after glass of water, wishing it was the vodka I cashed yesterday afternoon.

It's so weird being on 'vacation'. Boring, truthfully. I mostly read, or watch shows on the internet, or sleep. The alcohol is gone, so my trip has lost it's glamour. I don't sleep that well, so the few hours I'm getting are weird melatonin-fueled head trips. I'm binge eating Popeye's chicken like I've never heard of vegetables. I'm becoming a lazy slug. T-minus 36 hours until I'm back in my world, we'll see how it goes!

MELATONIN DREAMS

I've had the weirdest dreams lately. Last night an old friend called and we went out for burgers. My burger tasted funny so I lifted the bun - plot twist, there was a live rabbit in the burger. My friend and I set the rabbit free, and then we watched the fireworks! Hee hee, melatonin dreams are neat!

Would YOU dare?

I'm thrifty.

Cheap? Eh... Maybe sometimes. But mostly I'm a big fan of doing stuff on my own if I think I can get away with it. Like coloring my hair, for instance.

I've been dying my own hair for decades. I'm old. I've also frequented salons over the years, with amazing results that I have loved. Man, there is nothing quite like having your hair expertly washed and coiffed.

But I'm cheap, remember? Or poor. Or both.

So when I tried to go non-traditional (read that as 'fun') multicolored I just popped on over to Sally's and set myself up with all the goods I'd need to do just that. And with surprisingly little miss, I hit the mark.

Years of coloring and highlighting and bleaching have made coloring my hair a bit like spinning a roulette wheel. Or Forrest Gump. (Another - new! - cockney phrase! Forrest Gump = a wildcard; "you never know what you're gonna geh-et".)

So when I decide I'm going to add some highlights?

Myself?

In my tiny, poorly lit bathroom with nothing but a knowledge gleaned from many a trip to the stylist's chair?

We're talking a Rosa Parks Forrest Gump.

As my luck would have it, things turned out just fine. Serendipitously, perfectly... me. Sometimes the gods DO shine down upon me.

Clearly, the gods of photogenic-ness have turned the other cheek.

What's the most daring task you take upon yourself to do? What's something you wish you had the guts to go for?

Inquiring minds want to know...

~h

Introducing...

Hello readers! I realized I haven't told you all anything about myself, and unless we are already 'friends' on social media you know bupkis about she who is Jasmeen. So here's the Cliff's Notes on She who is me!

I am an avid reader. My favorites lately are graphic novels (741.5 for life!), specifically Image. I'm also a huge fan of mystery and fiction. Nora Roberts writing as J.D. Robb, Dean Koontz, Michael Crichton - I love them!

I love to eat foods. I love finding new delicious treats to nosh on at all times, and I usually eat while I'm driving. If you've ever passed a Black woman eating buffalo wings while driving an SUV, chances are that was me hogging it up. 

I am a mother. I have a super neat (quelle surprise, I'm biased) 8 year-old son who I love to hang out with. He keeps it real and barely tolerates me.

I am a huge fan of drag and drag queens! As a young woman, I never identified as girly or femme. I watched RuPaul's Drag Race religiously, hoping to someday be as strong, as creative, as beautiful and feminine as the queens who graced my tv screen. I have all the respect for my queens!

I love podcasts. My tastes range from true crime to Black (pop) culture, to celebrity interviews, or just plain ridiculousness. My subscriptions to date are WTF with Marc Maron, Girl on Guy hosted by Aisha Tyler, The Read, Tax Season, Sword & Scale, Another Round with Heben and Tracy, The Bodega Boys, Fruit (written by Issa Rae), and Lore. Check them out and broaden your horizons!

My favorite video games are Hocus Pocus, Commander Keen, Oregon Trail, and Spitwad Willy. Fuck yeah!

So these are some things that make up She who is me. Thanks for reading!

~jasmine

#Fatgirlrunning

Hello friends! Heather here.

Again.

Guess what I did???

Um, yes. I DID take a shower yesterday! How did you know? But other than that, I went running again! That's right. And for those of you keeping track at home that makes two, count 'em TWO, times in one week that I've gone for a run. Run is a loose term, as I can mall walk faster than I can "run".

But I digress.

I ran!

I have also decided that I shall continue to chronicle all of my running, jogging and salsa walking exploits on my Fat Girl Running blog. You've probably been there. I sent you there the last time I enticed you here. Teehee... I'm such a saucy little minx!

So please, go check out my latest exploit into the world of really, REALLY slow running. Oh, and feel free to encourage me with your own feats of physical fitness and/or weight loss attempts! Let us be awesome encouragers of each other as we do... whatever the hell it is we want to do! You wanna plant a garden? Buy a pony? Shave a wicked cool design into your lady bits? Share it with me here! I'll encourage your sweet ass until you feel like you just won the lottery.

Smooches!

~h

Heather needs a life coach

 

 

For realsies! But that requires, like, money and stuff. I mean I assume it does. So I'll just talk to you guys instead. :)

Here's the thing.

I went for a run last night! Woohoo, right? Yay for fitness that's so much better for me than fit'n'is food in my mouth. The question is this:  do I go run again tonight or give myself a day to regret my life choices *I MEAN* rest?

~h

p.s. I think I'm in the groove so I don't think skipping a day will hurt me

Children.

Loves of my life, banes of my existence. Have you ever tried to wake 3 tired, whining children at 6:30 in the morning? No? Oh, it's much like prying Lincoln from the memorial or convincing the Pope to play Cards Against Humanity. Like...it COULD happen, but it won't. This is all the whys of coffee. Right. Here.

When Bats Attack

I love bats. They are gosh darn adorable!

I mean COME. ON. How cute are they?

Bats in the cave, however? Not so much. I mean, I've gone out on a date with a guy who had a serious bat infestation. ONE date. First and LAST. *shudder

My point is this. A little nasal hygiene goes a long way. (Are ya hearing me, Ted Cruz?)

Have you seen the video? Better yet, did you watch the actual debate?

This is the thing. In the midst of him speaking, a UWO - Unidentified White Object - finds its way onto his upper lip. He keeps talking. The waggly white wonder works its way onto his lower lip. He keeps on talking. He's like the Energizer bunny, this guy. He keeps on talking and talking and talking no matter what foreign object is hanging out/on/around his lips.

Guess we know his stance on foreign policy. *crickets
Or how he feels about Klingons? *nothing

Ahem...

So that's not even the best part! The UWO goes from upper lip to lower lip to... down the hatch!

*bleurgh

Now, I've watched the video. I've watched the slow motion version. Was it REALLY a stray bat? A boogey on the loose? Which then became a mid-debate aperitif?

It's a moot point, I guess. And yet... a question for everyone out there.

Would you wipe it or swipe it?

Inquiring minds want to know... or maybe it's just me.

~h

Just Having Beer in New Jammies

Sounds great, doesn't it?

This is what a few of us ladies have decided to name a little get together we'll be hosting coming up in June.

What ladies, you ask? Jessica, Heather, B, Nikki and Jasmine. You know, some funny ass lasses. Nbd.

So what the hell is this here blog all about? Geez. You and all your questions.

This is where you - our adoring, dedicated, ever-thirsting-for-our-pearls-of-hilarity friends - can take a peek into our magical minds. We'll be writing, whining, and winning at life through words, songs, videos, and who knows what else.

We are moms, friends, girlfriends, and wives. Artists, observers, writers, and singers. Drivers, workers, shoppers, and devourers of the world around us. And even better?

We are comedians. Comediennes, even. Hell, we're both. And we've decided that it's high time we share our world with you.

So welcome! Wilkommen! Bienvenido! Pull up a screen and come sit a spell. We've got some things to show you.

~h